Paley McWhiteass…
Star Valley is such on the cutting edge of fashion and body consciousness. The weather only has to hover at 60 degrees for a couple of days and we start shedding our clothes and morality like Paris Hilton in front of a video camera. And what better way to display these new feelings of flesh-freedom than at the local grocery store.
I’m bringing an iron to work with me from now on. If I see another set of crinkled breasts, that have spent most of their winter months in the desert West’s sun, I’ll press them puppies smooth. Ladies if your décolletage reveals skin that more closely resembles the latest leather purse designs of Dolce & Gabbana, get thee to a dermatologist IMMEDIATELY! Practicing my limited knowledge of skin cancer at a glance while scanning your rutabagas isn’t kosher.
Guys…for the love of god take off the fucking black socks with your summer sandals. Please dude, my gay eyes just can’t take it any more.
Ladies…I loves ya, I really do. But for christ’sakes please stop wearing pedal pushers if you’ve got junk in your trunk. Putting a pencil fine point on your Tweety bird ankles just ain’t right. If you can’t tell what’s a good look honeys, you don’t have any gay friends. Run, don’t walk to your nearest gay bar and yell, “HAAAAAaaaayyyy!” Trust me you’ll thank me for it later. We will work our magic for you.
I won’t harangue on how bad the sun is for you, but if you do go to the trouble to fake and bake, DO YOUR FEET BIOTCH!!! A friend of mine was in the checkout line and looked damn good. Then I gave her nut brown body the once over…ending at her underbelly white feet! I said, “sweetness you’re looking fine ‘cept your toes girl.” She was shocked that I’d noticed that there was a border war brewing around her sandal straps. Hey, these are powers I’m bestowed with, sometimes there’s a fashion body count.
May 7, 2008 at 9:02 am
OH. MY. GOD.
I seriously wondered why the guy in that last pic was wearing boxer briefs under his Speedo. As I kept looking, it became frighteningly clear what was going on there.
I’m pretty much frog-belly white all over, but I spare the general public and don’t expose any of it. The joke among my friends is that they’ve never even seen my ankles.
May 7, 2008 at 10:51 am
Great photos of spring terrors! LOL Again, you yielded another great laugh. Thanks. -C
May 7, 2008 at 11:01 am
Hahahahahahahahaha!
I love it!
May 7, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I’ve got this mental image of the cashier holding down a woman while you ferociously iron her breasts. You’ve got a maniacal rictus on your face, and the woman is screaming and thrashing and flailing her arms. All the other cashiers have stopped checking groceries to watch.
Ahhh, springtime.
May 7, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Glad I didn’t make the gin and tonic before reading this. And it was very tempting.
I just got in from a difficult day and this was music to my tired ol ears. I live in a beach resort town and see this all too often, I must say that I find their attire and attitudes amusing.
The photos are priceless.
Thanks for sharing.
May 7, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Ohmygawd, that last pic was just disGUSting. I, too, am glad I didn’t have a drink in hand while reading your assessment of your friend’s fake bake. I would have spit that puppy through my nose and all over the sofa.
Honey, I am just prayin’ every day that you can go back to makin’ crazy sculpture and bakin’ those pots!
May 7, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Hey girl! You got your MOJO back…….virile and vigorous than ever before, hehehe……
May 15, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I thought of you the other day:
I was on my daily walk in the park when some guy (who apparently thought he was the shit) strutted past me…he was wearing black socks and ’sporty’ sandals. He was also wearing those cargo shorts so that his pasty-white legs could be seen from miles away. Couple that with a preppy collared shirt and he thought he was all that and a bag of chips, marching around with that Bluetooth thingie in his ear. Couldn’t help but laugh at the poor bastard.
All I could think of was, ‘Oh, dear…what would Knottyboy say in a situation like this?’
He had to have been in his late thirties…tsk, tsk! Poor bastard. At least he didn’t have that backwards-upside down visor thing going on. (Yes, we have that here.)
xxx
May 16, 2008 at 4:20 am
I must admit, for years I did my damnedest to get the superior tan with hopes that my freckles would connect. It never quite happened.
How are you Darling?
Mwah!
May 17, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I’m quite frightened by the man in the speedo, but it IS my experience that the people you least want in a speedo, will be the ones wearing them.
May 18, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I swear to god, you and the anecdotes…..you’re killing me, man. Crinkled breasts? And speaking of toes, now if they were on the end of a hot looking man, I wouldn’t care what color they were.
May 24, 2008 at 9:03 am
Ok on the other side–I was in Paris and had met a very elegant man that day..I had terrible blisters and for the first time in my life wore sandals with white socks to go out for dinner-.-thinking I wouldn’t meet anyone I knew..sure enough the elegant man I’d met walked up to say hello, looked at my feet and burst out laughing. A very short romance lol-
June 23, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Um, do you mean PEDAL pushers? Not sure what PETAL pushers are? Please illuminate me! LOVE your blog.